Around this time of year, friends tend to chatter away about their Christmas plans and preparations. Then they look at me, with a dawning suspicion. "What are your Christmas plans?" I shrug and give an apologetic smile. "Nothing much. I don't really celebrate Christmas."
Everytime I give away this slice of information, I'm met with horror. "Then, what do you do on Christmas?"
Well, inquiring minds need to know. Here it is.
Firstly, in preparation for Christmas, Muslims purchase reverse advent calendars. These are similar to real advent calendars but behind every cardboard flap there is just an empty space. This is to prepare us for the emptiness of non-Christmas.
The best presents at Christmas come from family and good friends. For Muslims, these good gift-givers know that we don't celebrate Christmas, and unless they are very serious about it they won't bother to give us any sort of outstanding gift.
Instead, we only get presents from acquaintances who feel obliged. The kind that might say hi to you in the street, but will always mispell your name.
Typical gifts are scented candles, bubble bath and German brand chocolates from Aldi.
Since we don't have Christmas trees, we put the gifts under the kitchen table.
In the afternoon, we cut out photographs of ourselves and stick them onto Christmas cards we received, to try and trick ourselves into believing we have experienced some sort of Christmas scene.
At night, we look through the yellow pages to see which businesses are open on Christmas day and call them up to chat. If we have time, we drive round. On the way back, we drive slowly, so we can look into the windows of normal, Christmas celebrating human beings.
This last part is individual to me, before I go to bed. To make sure I've covered all bases, I think negative things about humanity in general, to ensure I'm not wishing goodwill to any men.
Haha! Classic!
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