Birmingham Blitz Dames' 2011 in Review

I wrote this for the Birmingham Blitz Dames' Blog. It was not requested and I gave them little choice in posting it.


Lost in weekly practices, the run up to bouts and the signing up for bootcamps, it's hard to believe the year has passed so quickly. 2011 draws to a close on a very different Blitz Dames than it welcomed it, but while we've made a lot of changes, our spirit remains the same! Here's a rundown of this year's achievements.

Just Awesome proves Outstandingly Awesome
Being off skates for an injury is an unfortunate aspect of derby no player looks forward to. This year the very lovely Just Awesome had to take time off to rest her knee, but in the meantime took on the demanding and stressful role of line-up manager. This requires indepth knowledge of tactics, skaters' abilities and how not to fall apart when faced with fourteen adrenaline-loaded rollergirls.

Claiming New Territory
Halfway through the year we made the transition from spreading our three practices across two venues, to our new home, the Birmingham Futsul Arena. At first we were uncertain of the sports tile floor, but we soon realised that our wheels on the tiles sounded like a helicopter. The only problem is the excess of blue gives one an urge to do the breast stroke while skating in a pace line.

A New Drill Sergent
Previously the strange guy who skated so fast he was often called for a multiplayer block on his own, the Blitz Dames voted Rex Tangle in as their coach and he's stepped up to the challenge admirably. The hardest part no doubt is to get us to shut up and do the damn drill. About six months after he was appointed, I finally figured out what his name is about. Rex Tangle. Rectangle. Get it???

Supplies
We are proud to announce we finally have our own online store, where you can buy merch to support us and look mighty fine at the same time. Coming soon, sweat, blood and tear stained items from our top skaters! (Subject to availability.)

Bouts Hosted
Although this year had its share of away bouts, we also hosted a handful of at home double headers, giving our B team skaters a chance to show their skills. The Bout production team had a lot of new members this year, but they functioned professionally and pulled off several stellar events.

The World Cup
This year there was a little thing known as the Blood and Thunder, First Roller Derby World Cup ever, held in Toronto, Canada. You might have seen that Violet Attack's hot pants were there! Infact, Violet Attack were also there, representing Team England, while Roisin Roulette represented Team Ireland. To celebrate we made an Attack of the Rollergirls tshirts. We offered to make a similar shirt for RR, but she just gave us an unnerving stare and asked if we were feeling lucky.

Pretty good work for a year! Roll on 2012!

What Do Muslims Do For Christmas

Around this time of year, friends tend to chatter away about their Christmas plans and preparations. Then they look at me, with a dawning suspicion. "What are your Christmas plans?" I shrug and give an apologetic smile. "Nothing much. I don't really celebrate Christmas."

Everytime I give away this slice of information, I'm met with horror. "Then, what do you do on Christmas?"

Well, inquiring minds need to know. Here it is.

Firstly, in preparation for Christmas, Muslims purchase reverse advent calendars. These are similar to real advent calendars but behind every cardboard flap there is just an empty space. This is to prepare us for the emptiness of non-Christmas.

The best presents at Christmas come from family and good friends. For Muslims, these good gift-givers know that we don't celebrate Christmas, and unless they are very serious about it they won't bother to give us any sort of outstanding gift.

Instead, we only get presents from acquaintances who feel obliged. The kind that might say hi to you in the street, but will always mispell your name.

                       

Typical gifts are scented candles, bubble bath and German brand chocolates from Aldi.

Since we don't have Christmas trees, we put the gifts under the kitchen table.

In the afternoon, we cut out photographs of ourselves and stick them onto Christmas cards we received, to try and trick ourselves into believing we have experienced some sort of Christmas scene.

                

At night, we look through the yellow pages to see which businesses are open on Christmas day and call them up to chat. If we have time, we drive round. On the way back, we drive slowly, so we can look into the windows of normal, Christmas celebrating human beings.

This last part is individual to me, before I go to bed. To make sure I've covered all bases, I think negative things about humanity in general, to ensure I'm not wishing goodwill to any men.

Home Truths

Roller derby teaches you a lot about yourself.

Recently I have realised something that shook me to my core.

I'm a bad sport.

This has never really occurred to me before, mainly because I never cared enough about a sport to get upset or attitudey about it. Also, because I'm so nice!

At first I sort of ignored it, brushed it off as a one time thing, but today, while seething in the penalty box because I'd apparently cut track again I realised that the one with the problem wasn't everyone else.

I'll talk you through it how it happened.

Here's me, when I was fresh meat, at the beginning of this year.

                                         

I was quiet, a little shy, not yet completely initiated. I hesitated before giving my opinions off track, and before giving a hit on track. Everyone else's opinion was more valid than mine. I'd like to think I was a bit funnier than this kitten.

Here is me a few months ago, after I started bouting. (This is my blog, I can say what I want.)

       

I'd released my inner warrior spirit; I was coming to grips with it and being able to think for myself. I'd made a few good friends in my league and was starting to feel more confident around the dames.

However, I've noticed recently that I didn't stop there.

                            

This is what I have turned into. Rabid, sabre-toothed tiger. At this point, my inhibitions have been lowered a bit too much. It's gone too far. Now the desire to win has overcome all else. I shout a lot. I hit a lot. I get a lot of penalties and then I get angry with the refs.

In short, my opinion of myself has gone too high, and my inhibitions have gone too low. Derby at first may seem like a sport where anything goes, but that's not true. If you're being a tool in roller derby, you're still being a tool. You're just being a tool while wearing roller skates.

I am very much hoping that now I have recognised the behaviour, I'll be able to avoid it in future. I don't want to be that skater, or that person. Maybe this is the last step of the rookie ladder: recognising your abilities and limitations.

It's probably not. It's probably just the landing before another flight of stairs.

The Post-Derby Shower

There is something special, about the post-derby shower.

I have never had a practice where I'm glad to finish. Even when my skates feel too tight, or I've run out of water, or Roisin Roulette is running an endurance session.

However, once practice properly finishes, my feelings change quite dramatically. I've made a chart, so you can see it in diagramatic form.

As you can see, as soon as I stop skating, my mood takes an abrupt downturn, and as my adrenalin fades away, a few sad truths become apparent.

• No Skates

When I take my skates off, all that lovely fluid ease of movement is gone. Then I take my pads off, and I feel vulnerable. I also feel 100% less cool without skates. Even my jokes don't seem as funny.

• Sweaty

In the next couple of minutes I realise that I am really sweaty. This means that my top will stick to me, and if the temperature's low, the shirt will become wet and cold. Sweating is bad enough, but I feel like my body has betrayed me when I start shivering because my sweat is suddenly ice cold.

• Smelly

As soon as I go out of the sports hall, into fresh air, the comparison makes me realise that I do not smell quite so fresh. I am a very hygiene conscious person, so this never fails to dismay me. This is why it's important to get a lift home with other, similarly scented rollergirls, rather than subjecting non skaters to it.

• Tired

Also, now the serotonin levels are properly going down, I realise I'm mega tired. This is usually the point where pain starts to register. I'm the kind that gets knocked down constantly, scrambles to my feet and carries on skating.

Then later I realise that ow, that really hurts.

• Confused for Food

Confused for food probably doesn't happen to everyone. Sensible people bring snacks to derby, and have something sensible prepared at home for them as well. In my exhausted state, I fumble around the kitchen, trying to find anything that could replenish my energy levels. Sometimes I find half a kitkat. Other times, I just drink four glasses of orange juice with bits in it.

Tired, gross, fueled only by orange juice with bits in it, I roll myself into the shower, and into sanctuary.

• SHOWER POWER

Hot water + soap and suddenly I feel like a human being again, instead of something you find at the bottom of the kit hire bag.

I treasure the post-derby shower. It is one of the few times I feel I've truly earned something. In my opinion, it is served best with the post-derby nap.

Is This Roller Derby?

I'm a derby baby, there's no getting around that.

Before 2010, I didn't even know this thing existed, and I only started skating with my league at the beginning of this year.

Despite being pretty new on the scene, even I can tell that derby is, and has changed. There's a lot of discussion about how it's changing, whether it's a good thing or a bad thing, and what, if anything, should be done.

Like the majority of the derby community, I spent the majority of my weekend watching the DNN live stream of the World Cup. Some people prefer to watch full screen in silence, but I have to abuse the chat with my joy and woe, depending on how the game goes.

Just before the England V Australia game came on, the stream ran a selection of adverts, one of which was the somewhat viral 'This Is Roller Derby' trailer that most are familiar with.

I watched that video at the beginning of 2011, and thought the fights, drama and attitude was over the top when compared to the UK derby scene, but now it just seems ridiculous. More than one viewer commented that 'that is not roller derby', and I think they're right.

Derby has transformed into a sport played by athletes that take it and themselves seriously.

This much is apparent by the fact that there was a world cup at all, and evident in the standard zebra shirts all the ref's sported, and the subdued, streamlined uniforms that the players were using. (Violet Attack's hot pants not withstanding.)

A lot of people would lament this 'normalisation' of derby, but I welcome it, because derby remains a place where women can be whoever they want to be.

In the World Cup, some people skated under their real name others used their derby name. Some skaters wore face paint, some didn't. There were a few surprises, like Finland hiding the jammer pantie under their shirts, and every single team seemed to take delays after they'd lined up as an opportunity to do a little dance or conduct the cheers of their fans.

Derby might be changing its face, but it's not losing any of its spirit. Thank goodness for that.

The Road To Working Out

The night before: set alarm for 0900 to get a jumpstart on workout.

0900: turn off alarm and roll back over.

1100: wake up. fall into shower.

1130: cannot work out because have not eaten in 11 hours. Very unhealthy. Eat breakfast in front of computer.

1200: finished breakfast but now full, cannot work out until digested a bit. Read emails. Tumble.

1300: now ready to work out. Look for workout clothes. Shorts that match t-shirt is on the washing line. Put in tumble dryer.

1310: while waiting, watch Glee.

1330: clothes now dry. Only clean pair of socks are bright blue with ice cream cones on them. Unacceptable. Find suitable trainer socks on washing line. Put in tumble dryer.

1340: finish watching Glee.

1400: finish dressing in workout clothes. Sadly, am now hungry. Making jacket potato takes too long, so instead, eat entire terry's chocolate orange.

1415: feel sick. Thought of working out worsens nausea. Check facebook to calm nerves.

1430: headache from sugar and farmville requests. Cannot find paracetamol. Decide to borrow from neighbour.

1435: cannot go in work out clothes. Put on normal clothes.

1440: realise headache is gone just before leaving house.

1445: put workout clothes back on. Cannot find socks again. Complain about this on facebook.

1500: steel self to wear blue socks but become disheartened upon seeing reflection in mirror. Lie on bed and wallow in self-pity.

1800: wake up. Realise it is now dark. Cannot work out now as it is practically time to go to bed. Google star atheletes and their favourite workout routines and browse online sports shops for perfectly co-ordinated workout clothes.

2300: set alarm for 0900.

2301: find socks under pillow.