Lies About Running

I've been feeling guilty about not doing any endurance training so I decided to join my brother in a casual run in the park the other day.

I thought to myself, I do roller derby three times a week, I must be fairly healthy. People on TV are always running and they seem okay.

It seemed like a good idea.

I now realise that everything I thought I knew about running was a lie.

1. Running is simple!

Running is not simple. Though it requires no equpiment, it does need forethought and planning. When I went running, I woke up late because instead of waking me up my brother had just come into my room and said 'boggle boggle boggle' over and over again. My brain, unable to make anything out of this, went back to sleep. When I did wake up, I only had time to grab breakfast and dress before going out, insuring that within about eight seconds of running I was nauseous had a cramp.

2. Running is fun with a running buddy!

The person you are running with quickly comes to symbolise everything you hate in the world. People say it's safer to run in pairs but it is not because the most dangerous thing when running is your pride. I mean yeah, maybe shooting pains in your left arm is a sign of an incoming heart attack, but you don't want to look bad in front of your friend, do you? You don't want to be the unhealthy, lazy one, so you have to keep running until your entire body goes numb or that incoming heart attack resolves itself into a full blown one.

3. Run outside and admire the beautiful scenery!

It's really hard to admire scenery of any kind when oxygen deprivation is causing your vision to tunnel, your internal organs have mutinied and you're trying very hard not to vomit. Any energy for thinking is devoted to avoiding mud and stuff you really hope was mud because if not, you're going to need a new pair of trainers.

4. Run in the park and see fellow runners and nature lovers!

People on TV always seem to be running in some idyllic park where they smile and wave at everyone they meet. The only people in the park I saw were dog walkers and my route was determined by how best to avoid them, because in parks people take their dogs off the leash. If you do run into a dog, you stand their, thinking that okay the dog doesn't look particularly murderous, but it is half the size of me. While you wonder which of your bones the dog will most like, the owner gives you an apologetic smile and says things like 'no Toby, you're not a runner! Come back here, silly Toby," which are as ineffective as they are stupid.

5. Running makes you feel good!

I cannot entirely refute this. Under the pain and nausea I might have been feeling good, but it's difficult to say.