On Not Making The Team

This month marks my first year anniversary since joining derby.
 
I’ve had a relatively smooth ride as a roller girl. Since I’d skated as a child, I didn’t have to climb that mountain. I was bumped up to intermediate practice without having to formally take the basic skills test and I’ve made every roster that I’ve been eligible for.

Things have come easily to me, and many times I’ve wondered how well I’d deal with bumps in the road.

When I found out I hadn’t made the team for Tattoo Freeze, I went through three phases.

First I felt depressed.

“I suck, I should just quit roller derby,” I thought to myself. About three milliseconds after that thought had been voiced, the rational side of my mind was laughing at me. “Yeah, right. You wouldn’t last a week.”

Fair enough. That was self-pity out of the way.

Next came anxiety. Everyone knew I'd been hoping to get on the team. Were they feeling sorry for me? Were they relieved? Was that why they were being so nice to me? Were they watching everything I did and analysing it to see if I was bitter? I forced a smile onto my face. It probably looked like a grimace.

After about five minutes of that, I remembered that other people’s lives do not, in fact, revolve around me, and my not making the team was a tiny blip on their radar. They  probably gave it half a second’s thought, if they actually noticed at all.

And so anxiety too was set aside.

That allowed rational thought to be heard. Once the emotional cloud had cleared, I came to to a realisation.

Here’s the thing: making the team does not prove my worth as a skater. Sure, only good skaters make the team, but not making the team doesn’t make me a bad skater. It’s not a test where if I work really hard I’ll definitely pass. Whether or not I get on the team is dependent on a lot of variables, many of which I have absolutely no control over.

A roller derby team needs different kinds of players. It needs a certain ratio of blockers to jammers and of hard hitters to dodgers. Some players are able to pull off a particular tactic flawlessly, some players work better together than others.

Sometimes my particular skills aren’t going to be what the team needs, and that’s okay.

In the end, I don’t want to just ‘make the team’. I want a skater that makes the team better.

So here are my tips if you don’t make the cut-off: indulge your bad mood for a little while. Wallow in your own self pity. Then get over it. Stay clear-headed and try to improve.

And if that doesn’t work? You know what to do.

Daphne Does Tattoo Freeze

What do you get when you mix up the top UK derby teams, tattoos, camper vans and ice-sculpting? A typical rollergirl outing!

I've been hearing about Tattoo Freeze for a while. It's a convention that brings together aspects of a lifestyle that includes tattoos, leather and motorbikes. When I hear about events like this, they get sorted into 'not for Daphne' category and I switch off, so it took me a long time to realise that roller derby was actually involved. 

At 8AM on Sunday, I shuffled into the car with Thunderkat, Raging Bulmer and Just Awesome, and off to Telford we went! I hadn't exactly been looking forward to the show, unable to imagine it would appeal to me or that I would fit in any way, shape or form. I thought about claiming I was covered in tattoos under my clothes and made of ice, but I realised the two were not complementary.

The tournament was held in a huge hall with ice sculpting at one end, a stage where live bands played, a BMX ramp and then the track and stands set up for the roller derby. It was very loud and busy, plenty of people were wearing onsies and I was a bit upset that I hadn't realised onsies are now acceptable outerwear, since I have quite a fetching cat one myself that the world needs to see.

There were eight games in total, each lasting only 30 minutes, with a maximum of two time outs and a stricter penalty system: only four minutes in the box was grounds for ejection, rather than the typical seven. So, er, maybe that explains why five Blitz Dames skaters managed to foul out... We're not sloppy, we're spirited!

Shortly after we arrived, I found out what I had been starting to suspect, which was that I hadn't made the team and wouldn't be skating in the tournament. I was understandably glum, but I'm fairly realistic about my own abilities and I wouldn't have wanted to let down the team. More on that in a later post.

So, situating myself on merch, I discovered that by standing on the chair and ignoring people trying to buy t-shirts, I got a pretty good view of the games. I was surprised at how much I enjoyed watching teams I barely knew. I'm fond of the Dollies and of course there are the World Cup favourites, but most of the teams were unfamiliar. I walked past Jack Attack twice and resisted the urge to touch her and try and absorb some of her derby prowess. Self control, thy name is Daphne.

While watching the derby I jumped on the chair – quite dangerously – and screamed my head off. So much so that I had a horribly sore throat by the second bout and had to flail to convey my excitement, lest I lose my voice.

Watching the Blitz Dames game was awful. I was far too emotionally involved and probably a fried Mars bar away from a heart attack. I was alternatively proud of my teammates, horrified by the penalties and then heart broken as the point gap started to grow.

Aside from my emotional meltdown, watching the derby was fun. I came away with a slightly inappropriate derby crush on Cherry Fury whose jam reffing I could watch all day. I'm so close to sending her an embarrassing confession of love on FB but I will resist.

The day had a few surprises for me which completely made up for not being able to skate. I met up with the photographer, China Blade, who called me a 'top banana'. Anonymous Russel became significantly less anonymous - I might start referring to him as just 'Russel' - and I even was introduced to muslim lady interested in roller derby! That's right, there were two girls wearing headscarves at that tattoo convention. No one was more surprised than me. I thought I was looking in a mirror.

I apparently also got a shoutout on the PA by Twisted Miister but I was oblivious as usual. Thanks for that, dude. Next time, say the url, okay?

All in all, weirdly incredible day! I could never have imagined I would end up in a place like that, far less that I would enjoy it!

See you all there next year!

Lies About Running

I've been feeling guilty about not doing any endurance training so I decided to join my brother in a casual run in the park the other day.

I thought to myself, I do roller derby three times a week, I must be fairly healthy. People on TV are always running and they seem okay.

It seemed like a good idea.

I now realise that everything I thought I knew about running was a lie.

1. Running is simple!

Running is not simple. Though it requires no equpiment, it does need forethought and planning. When I went running, I woke up late because instead of waking me up my brother had just come into my room and said 'boggle boggle boggle' over and over again. My brain, unable to make anything out of this, went back to sleep. When I did wake up, I only had time to grab breakfast and dress before going out, insuring that within about eight seconds of running I was nauseous had a cramp.

2. Running is fun with a running buddy!

The person you are running with quickly comes to symbolise everything you hate in the world. People say it's safer to run in pairs but it is not because the most dangerous thing when running is your pride. I mean yeah, maybe shooting pains in your left arm is a sign of an incoming heart attack, but you don't want to look bad in front of your friend, do you? You don't want to be the unhealthy, lazy one, so you have to keep running until your entire body goes numb or that incoming heart attack resolves itself into a full blown one.

3. Run outside and admire the beautiful scenery!

It's really hard to admire scenery of any kind when oxygen deprivation is causing your vision to tunnel, your internal organs have mutinied and you're trying very hard not to vomit. Any energy for thinking is devoted to avoiding mud and stuff you really hope was mud because if not, you're going to need a new pair of trainers.

4. Run in the park and see fellow runners and nature lovers!

People on TV always seem to be running in some idyllic park where they smile and wave at everyone they meet. The only people in the park I saw were dog walkers and my route was determined by how best to avoid them, because in parks people take their dogs off the leash. If you do run into a dog, you stand their, thinking that okay the dog doesn't look particularly murderous, but it is half the size of me. While you wonder which of your bones the dog will most like, the owner gives you an apologetic smile and says things like 'no Toby, you're not a runner! Come back here, silly Toby," which are as ineffective as they are stupid.

5. Running makes you feel good!

I cannot entirely refute this. Under the pain and nausea I might have been feeling good, but it's difficult to say.

Birmingham Blitz Dames' 2011 in Review

I wrote this for the Birmingham Blitz Dames' Blog. It was not requested and I gave them little choice in posting it.


Lost in weekly practices, the run up to bouts and the signing up for bootcamps, it's hard to believe the year has passed so quickly. 2011 draws to a close on a very different Blitz Dames than it welcomed it, but while we've made a lot of changes, our spirit remains the same! Here's a rundown of this year's achievements.

Just Awesome proves Outstandingly Awesome
Being off skates for an injury is an unfortunate aspect of derby no player looks forward to. This year the very lovely Just Awesome had to take time off to rest her knee, but in the meantime took on the demanding and stressful role of line-up manager. This requires indepth knowledge of tactics, skaters' abilities and how not to fall apart when faced with fourteen adrenaline-loaded rollergirls.

Claiming New Territory
Halfway through the year we made the transition from spreading our three practices across two venues, to our new home, the Birmingham Futsul Arena. At first we were uncertain of the sports tile floor, but we soon realised that our wheels on the tiles sounded like a helicopter. The only problem is the excess of blue gives one an urge to do the breast stroke while skating in a pace line.

A New Drill Sergent
Previously the strange guy who skated so fast he was often called for a multiplayer block on his own, the Blitz Dames voted Rex Tangle in as their coach and he's stepped up to the challenge admirably. The hardest part no doubt is to get us to shut up and do the damn drill. About six months after he was appointed, I finally figured out what his name is about. Rex Tangle. Rectangle. Get it???

Supplies
We are proud to announce we finally have our own online store, where you can buy merch to support us and look mighty fine at the same time. Coming soon, sweat, blood and tear stained items from our top skaters! (Subject to availability.)

Bouts Hosted
Although this year had its share of away bouts, we also hosted a handful of at home double headers, giving our B team skaters a chance to show their skills. The Bout production team had a lot of new members this year, but they functioned professionally and pulled off several stellar events.

The World Cup
This year there was a little thing known as the Blood and Thunder, First Roller Derby World Cup ever, held in Toronto, Canada. You might have seen that Violet Attack's hot pants were there! Infact, Violet Attack were also there, representing Team England, while Roisin Roulette represented Team Ireland. To celebrate we made an Attack of the Rollergirls tshirts. We offered to make a similar shirt for RR, but she just gave us an unnerving stare and asked if we were feeling lucky.

Pretty good work for a year! Roll on 2012!

What Do Muslims Do For Christmas

Around this time of year, friends tend to chatter away about their Christmas plans and preparations. Then they look at me, with a dawning suspicion. "What are your Christmas plans?" I shrug and give an apologetic smile. "Nothing much. I don't really celebrate Christmas."

Everytime I give away this slice of information, I'm met with horror. "Then, what do you do on Christmas?"

Well, inquiring minds need to know. Here it is.

Firstly, in preparation for Christmas, Muslims purchase reverse advent calendars. These are similar to real advent calendars but behind every cardboard flap there is just an empty space. This is to prepare us for the emptiness of non-Christmas.

The best presents at Christmas come from family and good friends. For Muslims, these good gift-givers know that we don't celebrate Christmas, and unless they are very serious about it they won't bother to give us any sort of outstanding gift.

Instead, we only get presents from acquaintances who feel obliged. The kind that might say hi to you in the street, but will always mispell your name.

                       

Typical gifts are scented candles, bubble bath and German brand chocolates from Aldi.

Since we don't have Christmas trees, we put the gifts under the kitchen table.

In the afternoon, we cut out photographs of ourselves and stick them onto Christmas cards we received, to try and trick ourselves into believing we have experienced some sort of Christmas scene.

                

At night, we look through the yellow pages to see which businesses are open on Christmas day and call them up to chat. If we have time, we drive round. On the way back, we drive slowly, so we can look into the windows of normal, Christmas celebrating human beings.

This last part is individual to me, before I go to bed. To make sure I've covered all bases, I think negative things about humanity in general, to ensure I'm not wishing goodwill to any men.

Home Truths

Roller derby teaches you a lot about yourself.

Recently I have realised something that shook me to my core.

I'm a bad sport.

This has never really occurred to me before, mainly because I never cared enough about a sport to get upset or attitudey about it. Also, because I'm so nice!

At first I sort of ignored it, brushed it off as a one time thing, but today, while seething in the penalty box because I'd apparently cut track again I realised that the one with the problem wasn't everyone else.

I'll talk you through it how it happened.

Here's me, when I was fresh meat, at the beginning of this year.

                                         

I was quiet, a little shy, not yet completely initiated. I hesitated before giving my opinions off track, and before giving a hit on track. Everyone else's opinion was more valid than mine. I'd like to think I was a bit funnier than this kitten.

Here is me a few months ago, after I started bouting. (This is my blog, I can say what I want.)

       

I'd released my inner warrior spirit; I was coming to grips with it and being able to think for myself. I'd made a few good friends in my league and was starting to feel more confident around the dames.

However, I've noticed recently that I didn't stop there.

                            

This is what I have turned into. Rabid, sabre-toothed tiger. At this point, my inhibitions have been lowered a bit too much. It's gone too far. Now the desire to win has overcome all else. I shout a lot. I hit a lot. I get a lot of penalties and then I get angry with the refs.

In short, my opinion of myself has gone too high, and my inhibitions have gone too low. Derby at first may seem like a sport where anything goes, but that's not true. If you're being a tool in roller derby, you're still being a tool. You're just being a tool while wearing roller skates.

I am very much hoping that now I have recognised the behaviour, I'll be able to avoid it in future. I don't want to be that skater, or that person. Maybe this is the last step of the rookie ladder: recognising your abilities and limitations.

It's probably not. It's probably just the landing before another flight of stairs.

The Post-Derby Shower

There is something special, about the post-derby shower.

I have never had a practice where I'm glad to finish. Even when my skates feel too tight, or I've run out of water, or Roisin Roulette is running an endurance session.

However, once practice properly finishes, my feelings change quite dramatically. I've made a chart, so you can see it in diagramatic form.

As you can see, as soon as I stop skating, my mood takes an abrupt downturn, and as my adrenalin fades away, a few sad truths become apparent.

• No Skates

When I take my skates off, all that lovely fluid ease of movement is gone. Then I take my pads off, and I feel vulnerable. I also feel 100% less cool without skates. Even my jokes don't seem as funny.

• Sweaty

In the next couple of minutes I realise that I am really sweaty. This means that my top will stick to me, and if the temperature's low, the shirt will become wet and cold. Sweating is bad enough, but I feel like my body has betrayed me when I start shivering because my sweat is suddenly ice cold.

• Smelly

As soon as I go out of the sports hall, into fresh air, the comparison makes me realise that I do not smell quite so fresh. I am a very hygiene conscious person, so this never fails to dismay me. This is why it's important to get a lift home with other, similarly scented rollergirls, rather than subjecting non skaters to it.

• Tired

Also, now the serotonin levels are properly going down, I realise I'm mega tired. This is usually the point where pain starts to register. I'm the kind that gets knocked down constantly, scrambles to my feet and carries on skating.

Then later I realise that ow, that really hurts.

• Confused for Food

Confused for food probably doesn't happen to everyone. Sensible people bring snacks to derby, and have something sensible prepared at home for them as well. In my exhausted state, I fumble around the kitchen, trying to find anything that could replenish my energy levels. Sometimes I find half a kitkat. Other times, I just drink four glasses of orange juice with bits in it.

Tired, gross, fueled only by orange juice with bits in it, I roll myself into the shower, and into sanctuary.

• SHOWER POWER

Hot water + soap and suddenly I feel like a human being again, instead of something you find at the bottom of the kit hire bag.

I treasure the post-derby shower. It is one of the few times I feel I've truly earned something. In my opinion, it is served best with the post-derby nap.